Everything You Know Is Wrong!
by Don-O
Summary: Daria & Jane get caught up in a hole to the center of the earth, alein insurence inspectors and Art Bell fanboys.


EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!! A DARIA fanfic by Don Fields (based on The Firesign Theatre's audio play of the same name) (Also part 2 of the two-part Pointless Behavior Trilogy) 

SCENE ONE: It's a afternoon at the front of Highland High School grounds as a couple of construction workers are looking over a bronze of Principle Li they just planted. There's some construction equipment laying around. The two men aren't very proud of what they have just done. Both are walking away from the statue. 

WORKER #1: (to #2) Why don't they just slap the brass balls on her and get it over with. 

WORKER #2: (to #1) Well, I guess you have to after she squeezed by that fund-raising disaster at the mall... 

WORKER #1: Hfffth, 'Christmas In June'...and having everyone dress up as Santa and ending up with a riot with these dwarfs? The only thing that saved her ass as a tricky attorney. Anyone with a set THAT big is gonna have it cut off. 

WORKER #2 sees something from the sky coming their way. 

WORKER #2: Oooooh, I think that vasectomy is coming sooner than you think. 

Both then see what now appears to be a comet approaching towards their way. They and everyone else within the distance, runs away. The comet hits the statue with a full impact causing a large explosion and a BIG cloud of dust. The dust settles abit and there, in the place of the bronzed Li (and the building behind it), is a huge crater. The WORKERS run back there and look over the edge of the crater. #1 whips out his binoculars. 

WORKER #2: What do you see? 

WORKER #1: I see............(astonished)........the SUN!?!?!?! 

Both look at each other in astonishment. Suddenly, we hear a traditional dramatic Sci-Fi intro music blasting in the background. Cut to later in the day, the crater is surrounded by a countless number of emergency vechials, news crews of various sizes and a army of on-lookers. Amongst in attendance are Principle LI and the town mayor, WILLIAM C. P'NISNOSE. Both had just arrived on the scene and are not pleased of what they see....for different reasons. 

P'NISNOSE: (to no one in particular) What the hell is going on? We're trying to have a nice noisy dedication in the downtown area and this earth sucking stunt happens! Who's the joker stealing my civil spotlight here?!?! 

LI: (horrified) MY STATUE!! Aaaaaright! Who stole MY statue!! Line up the usual suspects! 

P'NISNOSE: Oh, it had to be YOU, Ms. Bronze Complexion! Looks somebody had the right idea to remodel your pigeon rest stop closer to your invisible personality. 

LI: Put a sock in it, Baldielocks! That statue was the prime chapter of the local and state history, unlike that tooth pick you planted in the middle of prime bum property. 

P'NISNOSE: That actual piece of history is the very spot of this this town's first flagpole. (looks over the hole) Looks like we'll have to replace it of a headless princlple. 

The CHIEF of Police approaches both of them and tries to break up their argument as it is in front of everybody. 

CHIEF: Mayor! Ms. Li! Please not another argume....I mean, debate again in front of the voters! 

LI: (loudly to the CHIEF) Who gives a rat's ass?! Where's my statue?! 

CHIEF: According to the National Reserves and the science guys....well, it fell head first into the crater by the comet and.....well....... 

LI: 'Well' what?! 

CHIEF: It was dragged to the center of the earth. 

Traditional suspenseful BGM blasts quickly. 

P'NISNOSE: Maybe we'll have to replace your head with a extraterrestrial gopher that rightfuly baried it. Now, THAT'S real civil history. 

LI: (to P'NISNOSE) How about one with a respectable educator strangling a baldheaded corrupt politician. 

LI grabs P'NISNOSE by the neck and starts to strangle him. P'NISNOSE returns the favor by doing the same thing to LI. 

P'NISNOSE: I'm....NOT bald, I'm folicly challenged....*cough* 

CHIEF steps in again to break it up but this round looks like it's a long one. Suddenly, ALL the attention is fixed on the fight than the gapping hole. Then we pull back to a full distant view of the scene from a hill over looking the area. Two familiar heads watching the action pop into view. It's JANE (with a camera) and DARIA (with a pad of paper and pencil). It appears that both are recording this event...from a distance. 

JANE: (eagerly checking her equipment) Let's see; ass load of film, check. Lens cleaner, check. Batteries, check! Flash, check! I'm ready! 

DARIA: (deadpan) Paper, check. Lead, check. Woodchip fibers, check. Absence of Shame, check. Phone number to World News Weekly, check. Yup, I'm ready to flush my journalism profession down the drain. 

JANE: Come on, Daria. Don't give me the usual Steven Wright impersonation. Admit it, you're just as mindlessly hyper over this comet as I am. 

DARIA: I'll conceive that I have a blind interest with God's spitball that missed the heads of MTV programmers. However, I prefer to set back and let the world end by it's own stupid merit. Besides Sick Sad World has about 10 crews down here. As far as I'm concerned, this flaming manure is well covered by the media doormat. 

JANE: (trying to bolster DARIA {lack of} enthusiasm) Daria! Think of this as an independent research; unaffected by the media slimly hands and religious fiery cross. BESIDES, we had nothing better to than that multi-media fanboy crossover fan fiction deal with Jean-Paul Sartre and Howard Stern for O'Neil's class. 

DARIA: Remind me to hide behind my Marshall McLuhan book the next time O'Neil feels 'hip'. Since this 'report' has nothing to DO with an angry frenchmen nor a horny disc jockey, why are YOU so enthused reporting this? 

JANE: OOOoooh, you'll find out sooner....or later....maybe tonight. 

DARIA: Great. With a devilish smile on your face and my intuition at the pit of my stomach, something REALLY idiotic is going to happen. 

JANE: Easy there. We haven't seen any monumental cow turds of stupidity yet. 

Suddenly, there's a loud sound of a 'Boom' coming from the hole and, in result, the ground shakes. There's a commotion down on the site as JANE and DARIA grabs hold of a tree that's behind them. 

DARIA: (deadpan to JANE) That's what they said when Hitler signed the 'Non-aggression Pact'. 

Back at the site, a second boom and tremor has just occurred. Everybody is embracing themselves for what possibly might happen....and it dose. We see what appears to be a mountain of hair poke out of the hole. 

P'NISNOSE: Oh my god! It's those nuclear gophers! 

Then the rest of the head pops out....it's a very large Bevis, in his usual giggling manner. Suddenly, something yanks him back into the hole. Then BUTTHEAD pops up and climbs out...giggling of course, followed by BEVIS. Both LITTLE WIENERHEADS are King-Kong-size. Back at the hill, DARIA hides her face in her hands while JANE's jaw drops and eyes pops out. 

BUTTHEAD: Huh, Huh...Whoa!...Huh, Huh....Koul!....Now all must bow to the mighty power of The Butthead!...Huh, Huh... 

BEVIS: No way, buttplug!! I was up here first! I get to rule! 

BUTTHEAD: Way, dude! The last one out is a rotten slave!...huh, huh....(points to the pavement) Suck concrete with the rest of these asswhips!...huh, huh.... 

Back to JANE and an VERY embarrassed DARIA. 

JANE: Are they....? 

DARIA: (interrupting) Yyyyes. 

JANE: ...and they're from.....? 

DARIA: (ditto) ...the refugees from my personal hell... 

JANE: Is all of this.....? 

DARIA: ...better NOT be my id or I'll go on a tri-state killing spree! 

JANE: You do have my... 

DARIA: ...your sympathy has been dutifully noted. 

Cutting back to BEVIS and BUTTHEAD as they're smacking each other over supremecy. The CHIEF interupts them through a megaphone. 

CHIEF: Excuse me? Who are you and where did you come from? 

BEVIS: Oh,..heh, heh, he's Butthead and I'm Bevis....heh, heh......and we're from Texas.....heh, heh.... 

BUTTHEAD: (angerly to BEVIS) Damn it, BUTTmunch! I told you before, I'm Master Death, you're Judge Hell and we're from the Planet Kilgore and we came here take their supply of busty women and nachos and the skull of Ricky Martin. 

BEVIS: Nnnnah, I don't wanna be that anymore....heh, heh...it sound too....(a quick confused and thinking look on his face).....goush.......heh, heh. Though I wouldn't mind some nachos right now....heh, heh.... 

CHIEF: How did you kids get here? What happened to you?! 

BUTTHEAD: Uh, Bevis here was shoving a brick up his butt on a five dollars bet. Huh, huh...and this comet came and smacked us into the ground. 

BEVIS: ...and, then, we, like, woke up......heh, heh..... 

BUTTHEAD: Oh, yea....huh,, huh...huh, huh...and I doubled dare Bevis to shove the space ship up his butt....huh, huh... 

CHIEF: Space ship? What space ship?!?! 

LI runs up to the CHIEF, grabs his megaphone and pushes him aside. LI, then, addresses the large Wienerheads. 

LI: Screw that crap! What about my statue!?!?!?! 

BUTTHEAD: Oh, yea.....huh, huh....Bevis challenged me double or nothing....huh, huh...so I shoved it up my butt. (to BEVIS) You owe me ten bucks,...huh, huh....BUTTplug. 

BEVIS: (pissed) Damn it!! Heh, heh.... 

LI: I don't care who owns WHAT, give me back MY statue!!! 

BUTTHEAD: Uuuuuh, o.k.! Huh, huh...... 

BUTTHEAD then reaches into the back of his shorts and tries to pull out something. He grunts, something goes 'POP!' and he precedes to pull out LI's statue and shows it to everyone. There's a little.........'rust' covering 2/3rds of it. Everyone reacts in disgust. Back to JANE and DARIA. JANE aims the camera at DARIA's barried face. DARIA notices. 

DARIA: Now what? 

JANE: Nothing. I want to catch the bright natural flesh red in your face for my color references before you bang it against the tree. 

BEVIS: (to BUTTHEAD) Yea...well..heh, heh...that butt of yours was too big for that thing...I ....triple challenge you to......(confused/thinking look again)....shove that all the way in your ear! 

BUTTHEAD: Huh, huh...you on, dude! 

BUTTHEAD takes the statue and jams hard and twists it into his ear. Only the feet and the base is sticking out of his ear. 

BEVIS: heh, heh,....you lose...my turn! 

BEVIS grabs the statue in BUTTHEAD's ear but it's stuck. 

BUTTHEAD: huh, huh...ouch...huh, huh..it's stuck, dude...huh, huh. I won the bet, concrete boy. 

BEVIS: No way! Heh, heh. Let me get somethin' else. 

BEVIS looks around below and finds something. He bends over and grabs LI. He then precede to shove LI into his ear head first. Once LI is inserted, BEVIS hammers her with his finger. We can hear LI screaming death threats galore inside...but only barely. 

BUTTHEAD: WHAO!...huh, huh...that's kual...huh, huh...... 

BEVIS: Heh, heh...(in that Cornholio voice)...you once again fail to fairly estimate to power of Cornhilio's rubbery eardrums...heh, heh. 

BEVIS looks to the side and sees something of great personal interest. 

BEVIS: (almost hyper) Whoa! Butthead! Check it out! 

BUTTHEAD looks at BEVIS's direction and both notices a large 18-wheel truck with the words 'NACHO KING' blazoned on both sides of the trailer. Both are suddenly excited. 

BEVIS: The last one to the nachos is a hungry bast... 

BUTTHEAD cuts BEVIS off by shoving him aside and starts to run (actually limps) towards the truck. BEVIS quickly follows. The truck driver, standing next to the truck, see them approaching, quickly climbs into his truck. He manages to start and drive away JUST before the LITTLE WIENERHEADS can catch him. All three disappear into the horizon. 

SCENE TWO: It's much later that night. We're in JANE's bedroom. JANE is up painting (as usual) a Robert Williams-style depiction of the events earlier that day, while DARIA is laying on JANE's bed typing away on a Power Book (or something similar to it). JANE's boom box is playing some Men Or Astro-Men? music for inspirational BGM. DARIA pauses from her maniac typing marathon to ask JANE a question. 

DARIA: When we get to the acknowledgments, should we mention Taco Bell for saving our hides? 

JANE: If we are, we'll have to include Q-Tip for rescuing Li. For good or ill. 

DARIA: (suspiciously to/with JANE) You know, we've been slaving away on this report of YOURS for the last three hours and you haven't mentioned WHO we're doing this for? 

JANE: All will be reviled, Young Grasshopper. By the way, what time dose Quinn's 'barrowed' Power Book say? 

DARIA: 9:59 p. m. 

JANE suddenly grabs the remote and aims it at the boom box. 

JANE: D'OH! Time for that plot development you've been waiting for! 

The BGM is tuned off and the box switches to an AM radio station. A radio program has JUST started. It's the beginning of the ART BELL show. The intro is played at start the show. (Radio buffs trivia: The music they play at the intro is the 1979 instrumental hit, 'The Chase' by Giorgio Moroder -ed.) After the shpeal, ART finally chimes in. 

ART: (jovial) Good Hello Seekers! Welcome to the Art Bell Show and I'm your host, ART Bell! Now don't feel alone here in the nude age because there's a secret born every minute! And a special GOOD hello to the skeptic inside you who might still believe that pigs live in trees and that faithful Rover is nothing but a pet sleeping right by the doggie door. Well, doggone it, he's smarter than you'll ever be! BUT first, let's not waste anymore time. Well, I was right about the comet! As you might obviously heard by now; a large astro comet landed in the town of Lawndale, Maryland earlier today, CREATING a passage way to the VERY center of the earth! The mainstream media is only scratching the surface and is withholding important information on this most incredible event. Not worry, my dear listeners, as we will now get first hand account of the discovery from the volunteers of 'Art's Army' in the very town of Lawndale! In fact, we have three members of my army in this town and we're now calling two of them up was we speak. Jane Lane and Daria Morgandorffer! 

Suddenly, JANE's phone rings. DARIA gives JANE her patented 'evil eye'. 

DARIA: You 'volunteered' us? 

JANE: Hey, he was giving out those cool UFO detection rings with each name submitted. 

Before DARIA can retort, JANE picks up the phone. 

JANE: (into the phone) Yo? 

ART: Is this Ms. Lane AND Ms. Morgandorffer? Our roaming eye watching over our hole to the earth? 

JANE: You happen to be talking to Ms. Lane and I'm the eyeball who took those pictures. 

ART: Aaaaah, yes, Jane! I received those INTERESTING pictures through my E-mail just hours ago. Devastating! Those poor teenagers! 

JANE: You bet! I think we just witnessed a serious case of nacho abuse. 

ART: And this third teenager, here, is even worse! With a tree growing out of her face. 

JANE: (cuts in) Ah, no, Mr. Bell! That's my cohort, Ms. Morgandorffer, hitting her head INTO the tree! She knew those two and was distraut when she first saw them....for different reasons. 

ART: I see. Can she talk to us for her emotional testimony? 

JANE: Sure, hold on. 

JANE stretches her arm and aims the receiver at DARIA expecting her to take it. Instead, DARIA doesn't even move and still giving JANE that 'evil eye'. 

DARIA: (angrily into the phone and to ART) Not right now! I'm surrounded by retarded mutans myself. 

JANE sheepishly put the receiver back to her ear. 

JANE: (to ART) Ummmm, maybe later. She's still recovering. 

ART: O.K. Don't worry. Both of you just hold on until we get back from the brake... 

ART and the show goes into commercials. JANE holds the receiver to hear chest to muffle it. She then looks at DARIA sheepishly again. DARIA is still aiming her rays of anger at her. JANE then reaches into her pockets and pulls out a cheap decoder ring and offers it to DARIA. 

JANE: (Playfuly) O. K., here's YOUR ring. (desperately smiles) Happy? 

SCENE THREE: It's the next day, afternoon and it's downtown Lawndale. We first see a typical dedication ceremony about to start. There's a tall flagpole with a small platform in front. Some local degenerates are seated in white chairs between the flagpole and the podium; a couple of faceless local luminaries, the Mayor (with a neck brace) and LI (who's strapped to her chair with a straight jacket and duck tape around her mouth). One other 'faceless' luminary walks up to the podium and address the microphone. His name is CLYDE CRINKLE. He's a little nervious in front of people but he's giving it his best...which isn't helping. 

CLYDE: Hello, fellow citizens of Lawndale. I would like to officially welcome you to this rededication of this historical flagpole...(trailing off) replacing the one from that dwarf tossing incident from the street carnival last week..(snaps out of it)..but we're not here to drag things down. *nervious coughf* I'm Clyde Crinkle, vice-president of the local chapter of the Funny Last Namers Association, president of Lawndale Chamber Of Commerce and proud town booster!! 

Suddenly, we hear a voice of a female HECKLER. She's passionate, loud and aggressive with her little attack on CLYDE. 

HECKLER: Fuckyou!!! 

CLYDE tries his 'best' to ignore her and continues with his speech. 

CLYDE: Thank you. *nervious cough* It is so nice to see meny of you fine citizens turning out of this important occasion instead to that hole at the high school. 

A very quick shot reveals the audience...more like what's left of them. There's no more than 20 people scattered in the downtown plaza actually paying some sort of attention. We hear a loud belch from a bum sleeping on a park bench. We also see DARIA (pad of paper) and JANE (camera) further off in the distance. Back to CLYDE and his speech.... 

CLYDE: (cont.) Now, I'm sure that meny of you are asking why you're standing here instead of staring down that hole. Well, I tell you....Civil Pride! 

HECKLER Fuckyou!! 

CLYDE: The pride that's executed with every movement and action we simply perform everyday! Shopping for groceries, walking to work, giving penny to that bum in the gutter, talking to your neighbor... 

HECKLER: Fuckyou!! 

CLYDE: Thank you! *nervious cough*....and, in our own way, we say to those outsiders gathering around that hole...I'm A Lawndalian. I'm One with the buffet that this town provides. SO let THEM scarf on the junk food as we proud few keep our faces behind the sneeze guard. 

HECKLER: Fuckyou!! 

CLYDE: And when we look around our streets, fellow citizens and walls, we're not afraid to ask the important questions. Tough questions. 

HECKLER: What is reality?!?! 

CLYDE: And, like the typical proud citizen, we're able to walk around them and let the politicians whom we voted for to ignore them for us! 

HECKLER: Eat it!! 

CLYDE: You bet. 

HECKLER: Eat it raw!! 

CLYDE: ah,....raw, raw, raw! THAT'S the town spirit I talking about! So, ladies and gentlemen, I state my case before you now.... 

HECKLER: Fuckyou! 

CLYDE: (cont.) ...let's show them outsiders, including those snotty Baltimorians and their new fangled football team, how we easily represent the good name of the state of Maryland and civil pride! 

CLYDE nervously waits for the small drop of applause. 

CLYDE: (cont.) And now, let me introduce our own fine example of this civil pride, our own honorable mayor, William C. P'nisnose! 

Another drop of applause. 

HECKLER: Booooo! Booooo! Booooo! Booooo! 

CLYDE takes a step out of the way from the mike for the approaching P'NISNOSE, but not before turning his head towards the audience for one more line. 

CLYDE: (to the unseen {to him and us} HECKLER) Well, fuck you, too! 

P'NISNOSE steps up to the mike and looks slightly sauced. His P.R. man is standing a step or two away from him. 

P'NISNOSE: Thank you. Today is more than just a day than eating dead cooked flesh and jug-a-lug a barrel full of barley. It's an important day. It was 300 years ago, this day, on this VERY spot, the people of Lawndale erected this gallow behind me.... 

P. R. notices this slip and stands closer to P'NISNOSE. 

P'NISNOSE: (cont.) I mean, flagpole....and hanged it's first mayor, proudly...and we're still well hung today... 

As P'NISNOSE laughs at his own joke, the P. R. approaches him. 

P. R.: AW! Sir, please don't improvise the thing about the gallows.... 

P'NISNOSE (to P. R.) Hey, take it easy there! I was just changing ya! (to the audience) O. K., where was I? Oh, yea. Blah, blah, blah.....vote for me and go home! (to P. R.) Hey, let's buy a drink for that heckler out there, huh? 

Another drop of applause as a couple of custodians picks up LI and her chair and carries her off. Cut to DARIA and JANE. JANE is taking pictures of the activity on the stage. 

DARIA: (to JANE) Did you snap any aliens up there? 

JANE: No, but I did get a few good ones of Li! So, has your civil pride stirred up yet. 

DARIA: Oooh, yea. I'm so full of it, I might start my very own devil's night and burn down what the comet hadn't already destroyed. (looking around) But, god forbid, should I cause a sensation around here. 

JANE: (disappointed) Yea, you figured with a pot hole to the core of the earth would bring out the Gong Show contestant in everyone. Everybody is trying so hard to act that nothing happened. Hmm, smells like spoiled civil spirit to me. 

DARIA: Well, lets ask Ms. Civil Spirit here. 

DARIA and JANE turn to look at (and our view now widens to include) ANDREA who's standing next to DARIA. 

JANE: Oh, yea. Heckling your own father in public the VERY symbol of civic pride. 

ANDREA then reaches into her backpack and pulls out a carton of eggs. 

ANDREA: (to DARIA) Watch it, Morgandorffer! Your mother is a lawyer! 

ANDREA takes an egg out of the carton and throws it at a out-of-frame target and then we hear it hit someone. 

CLYDE: (off-camera, wimpy) Honey, stop it! 

SCENE FOUR: Sometime later, DARIA and JANE are walking down a downtown street to the hole. JANE is just randomly taking pictures. 

DARIA: No dice. No action. No hope. Just as I figured. Not even that alien rumor hasn't got everybody's attention. 

JANE: Now THAT part bothers me. Nobody has mentioned the alien space ship up Bevis' nether reigns. Maybe the government kidnapped them already and keeping them an old nuclear silo somewhere. 

DARIA: Hmmm...if they did, they'd ask me to identify the bodies. I even don't want to think where the Mutated Weinerheads are now and what national monument they're humping. 

A quick shot of BEVIS and BUTTHEAD climbing the Statue of Liberty. BEVIS is on top trying to fell Liberty up with BUTTHEAD near the bottom. 

BEVIS: (to BUTTHEAD) Hey, Butthead! Check it out! Her thingies are hard as steel...(he hits Liberty's breast a couple of times with a loud ringing bong sound)...heh, heh,..she must have really old silicone...heh, heh.... 

Back to DARIA and JANE. Both stop and look at each other. 

DARIA: (regret) Forget I said that. 

At this point, they have paused in front of a American Veterans Lodge and start to walk. 

JANE: I'd wouldn't worry about those shlebs. There too stubborn and WAY too stupid to notice the missiles. 

As both past the Lodge's front door, a pair of hands reaches out between the doors and grabs DARIA and JANE and forcefully pulls them inside the dark Lodge. Once inside, DARIA and JANE quickly turn around and face the unknown grabber. JANE whips out a X-acto knife and aims. 

JANE: O. K., handboy, you better damned well count your fingers. I know how to use this and my friend knows how to use her boots and where to plant them. 

Some lights are turned on and JANE and DARIA are surprised to see who the intruder is. It's DeMARTINO in his war fatigue (as seen in 'Daria The Hunted'). 

DeMARTINO: (dramatically) That won't be necessary, Ms. Lane. You better save it for the INVASION! 

DARIA and JANE: (campy shock) Invasion?! 

DARIA then notices what she and JANE just did. 

DARIA: Guys, if this turns into a Scooby Do episode, I'm bailing out through the window. 

JANE: (to DeMARTINO, testing him) You know about this invasion? 

DeMARTINO: Of COURSE, I do, Jane. Those poor ALIENS are stuck in mental and HYGIENIC CHALLENGED young man's posterior. Sooner or later, someone from GOD KNOWS where THEY came from will want to know what happened to them. LOGICAL, ISN'T!?!?! 

JANE: Sure is, but I just can't see a actual invasion to rescue them poor fellers. I mean, put yourself in their place, would you let your friends see you stuck in somebody's butt? 

DeMARTINO: Oh, sure, LANE! THAT'S what 'STIENFIELD' WANTS you to BELIEVE!! 

DARIA: (to DeMARTINO) Are you by chance that third..... 

DeMARTINO cuts DARIA off by whipping out his 'Art's Army' membership card. 

DeMARTINO: ...Lawndale member of ART BELL'S fan club? While you WASTE you TIME looking over that SPITTOON at school, I'M covering the aliens INVASION! 

JANE: Sorry, my screaming caffeine pal. MY sources tells me that those poor suckers were originally on a beer run to Mars but had the bad luck to collide with the comet and Bevis' butt. The ones that are coming are insurance investigators. 

DARIA: (looks at JANE, to herself) That's it! Now it's turning into a X-Files fan fiction. I'm out of here. 

DARIA begins to turn and walk away but, without taking her eyes off of DeMARTINO, JANE grabs DARIA by her shoulder and pulls her back in. JANE and DeMARTINO continue there talk without skipping a beat. 

DeMARTINO: My, my, MY, JANE! AREN'T we a little precise with our NUDE AGE PIE-IN-THE-SKY theories! Well, this is NOT the time to SLIP HAIRS over why they're going to DESTROY our planet. THEY'RE COMING AND WE BETTER PUT THE ALUMINUM ON AND PROTECT OUR FAT FLABBY KEISTERS!! 

DeMARTINO walks away from DARIA and JANE to a closet to rummage through it to get something. 

JANE: (to DARIA) Daria, if we live through this, remind me to resign from the army. 

DeMARTINO digs through the closet. 

DeMARTINO: One thing that the military TAUGHT us is to prepare for the WORST. While civilian CRY-BABIES reenact X-FILE episodes over STARBUCKS COFFEE hoping the FRIENDLY ALIENS will partake in sharing a POT, WEEEEE are taking EVERY measure to protect OUR coffee POTS from these 'PLEASANT' intruders. AAAND we use the latest technology at our disposal to PREPARE FOR THESE UNWLELCOMED ILLEGAL BUMS. 

DeMARTINO then quickly turns around and shows DARIA and JANE a reel of 16mm film in his hands. DARIA and JANE look at the film in disbelief. 

DARIA: (to JANE) This is from a man who listens to Martin Denny on 8-Track. 

DeMARTINO pauses, notices their reaction and the awkward moment. 

DeMARTINO: (calmly) You...ah, ladies, get yourselves something at the bar while I find the projector. 

We now see the film being shown. It's a scratchy out-of-date military film. A typical beginning for a military training film; music, Army symbol in the background with the bold words over it: 

CARD #1: FOR MILITARY EYES ONLY! 

CARD #1 fade out and CARD #2 fades in. 

CARD #2: EMERGENCY FILM #2565: ALIEN INVASION! 

We cut to a old decorated military colder with more metal on his chest than a smoker with an iron lung. The setting is his old office (circa 1950's) with flags in the background and so on. His name appears on the screen and on the desk plate. Name: COL. CURTIS GOATHEART. 

COL. CURTIS: (sternly to the camera) Good evening, men. This is Col. Curtis Goatheart. If you're watching this film, then we're are under extraterrestrial attack! Beware! Your brain may no longer be the boss! Listen carefully: What to if an alien appears: 

Cut to a CAPTION with COL. CURTIS reading along: 

CAPTION & COL. CURTIS: 1) Drop under the seat of your plane and look away. 2) Avoid eye contact. 3) If there are no eyes, avoid ALL contact. 

How to identify alleged sightings: 1) Dry garbage bags filled with marsh gas 2) Collecting Pokemon memorabilia 3) Writing fan fiction 4) Eating Socks or... 5) Mass insanity. 

Cut to a typical 50's kitchen. At the table with four guests have a cheery breakfast. GENERAL, his WIFE, OFFICER #1 and OFFICER #2. There jets taking off in the background (as this is an military based house). All cheerfully engaged in conversation. 

CAPTION and COL. CURTIS: (cont.) How to inform your wife and those under your command. 

While everybody else on the table are talking, GENERAL notices something on his plate of eggs that only he can see. He then attempts to get everybody's attention by tapping his plate with his fork. 

GENERAL: (calmly and firmly) Honey...Honey and men. I have something awesome to reveal to you. 

WIFE, OFFICERS #1, #2 stop and notice COL. #2 

WIFE, OFFICERS #1, #2: Well, go ahead...etc. 

GENERAL: (still calm and firm) Two flying saucers have just....landed on my plate. 

A moment of quite confusion. 

OFFICER #1: (joking) Well, turn away, sir, and I'll eat them. 

All laugh at his joke except GENERAL. GENERAL taps his plate again. 

GENERAL: MEN....Our greatest fear is realized. We're under attack from superior consensus. 

Another uneasy moment. 

OFFICER #1: The...eggs, sir? 

GENERAL: They're only the beginning. 

Everybody nervously goes back to their talk and breakfast but GENERAL taps his plate again. 

GENERAL: (insistently) Alright, men! Questions! Questions! 

Pause 

OFFICER #2: Ummm...pass the syrup, General? 

All desperately laugh at the joke 

GENERAL: (laughs along) That's a good idea, Chuck. (turns dead serious)...but syrup won't stop them! 

OFFICER #2: But.... 

GENERAL: (cutting #2 off quickly) Next! 

OFFICER #1: Um, sir? 

GENERAL: Major? 

OFFICER #1: Are you nuts? 

GENERAL: (mockingly laughs) That's is JUST exactly what they want you to believe. 

OFFICER #2: The...eggs, sir? 

GENERAL: Let's just call them the....phenomenon. 

OFFICER #1: (tad nervous) Well, if I may respectfully submit, sir; I..I think you got your phenomenon scrabbled. 

Nervous laughter all around (except the GENERAL, of course) 

WIFE: (kiddingly, trying to break the ice) W...What about MY eggs, dear? 

GENERAL: Honey, there in......EVERYbody's eggs. 

Things start to break down. The WIFE begins to cry and the two OFFICERS try to approach and easily grabbing the GENERAL by his shoulders. 

OFFICER #1, #2: (concerned) Here, sir. Why don't you lay down for a few minutes, Let's get you some cofffee...etc. 

Suddenly, we cut back to COL. CURTIS and his 'old' desk. 

COL. CURTIS: Conclusion? They think he is insane. Yet, he outranks them. His option: Command! 

It's CAPTION time only with military BGM. 

COL. CURTIS (cont.) & CAPTION: 1) He seals off the area! 2) Secures the cooperation of local officials! 3) Obtains expert scientific assistants! 4) Evacuates all Government employees! 5) ...and bomb them aliens back to Stonehengde! 

We then see THE END title ("copyright 1955 U. S. Army") and outré music. DeMARTINO's little film is over and he turns off the projector. Cut to DARIA and JANE (both with a drink in their hand, complete with a few umbrellas covering the top) sitting in front of the projector watching the screen with DeMARTINO standing behind the projector. The lights turn on. 

JANE: (to DeMARTINO) Sorry, DeMartino. But that's just plain old age thinkin'. I agree we should to find the little yellow and while buggers but there's no other way out...we got to learn to live WITH them. When it comes to a creature with the vast knowledge of the universe and the keys to get off this stinking earth, I'd say don't look at the gift traveler by their mouths. 

DARIA: But didn't you said something to the effect to kill all foreign alien 'scumbags'? 

JANE: No. I was just referring to art critics and Joel Segal. The aliens are breathing living organisms; critics are just scum that grow under the toilet. 

DARIA: Oooh! 

DeMARTINO: MISS Lane! You obviously FAIL to weight the SERIOUS importance of this SITUATION...... 

JANE runs out of patience, then stands up and faces DeMARTINO. 

JANE: MR. DeMartino! You obviously FAIL to weight the SERIOUS joke the whole universe is playing on us. We're dealing with VERY freakin' difference race with very different perspective visiting for a spell and I doubt they'd be interested in comparing who has the biggest B-B gun in their pants. 

DARIA: (also stands up and faces DeMARTINO) I would have to take a side here. Jane's right. They may not be kosher with our NORMAL stuck-in-the-mud middle O' road Americana ways, but at the very least, they don't take politics seriously. 

JANE: Yea, so why don't you unplug your G. I. Joe Jock Strap, go home and drink some barely. 

DeMARTINO: Home?....I have no HOME! (Dramatic BGM begins to swell) HUNTed! Disss...PISED! Living like an under-paid animal! The suburban wasteland is MY HOME! But I shall show the world for they will drink the black sperm of my eternal vengence!.... 

Immediately cut to.... 

SCENE FIVE: We now see the front door of the LANE residents from the inside of the house. It is quite at first. But then we hear the sound of two pairs of running boots and it gets louder. Suddenly, the door quickly opens with JANE and DARIA running through the door and quickly slamming it. Both land on the floor with exhaustion. 

JANE: (almost out of breath) .....I conceive.....a scene from....Ed Wood....very...VERY....bad...sign... 

The phone rings. JANE gets up and walks towards it. She's not very happy. 

JANE: (to herself) This better be Trent (picks up the phone, into the phone) TRENT! You get yer oily slacker sack of dumbass.... 

The voice (NENO) on the other end cuts in. The voice has a slightly broken Jersey accent. 

NENO: You know who dis is, Lane! 

JANE recognizes the voice and becomes happy. 

JANE: (jovial) NENO?! Is that you?!?! 

NENO: That's a good question. Yea, it's me Neno the Great Mindboggler. 

JANE: Wow! (to DARIA) Hey, Daria! Neno! My source! 

DARIA walks up next to JANE. JANE tilts the phone piece from her ear so they both can listen in. 

NENO: Dig this! I'm calling you from inside a steel box at this University of Conceptual Psychic Surprise in Moscow. They're studying me again. But that's not the reason I'm calling. Listen, I've got traffic news! They told me it was all right to talk about it... 

JANE: Really?! 

NENO: ..and dig THIS, they want contact with you and your friend Daria! Is she dere, too? 

JANE: Yup, unwilling and able! 

DARIA: Us? Why us? 

NENO: I don't know but something's gonna happen very soon! Have you received any messages lately? 

JANE: AH, not from out my window...I'll have to check the old messagemachine. 

NENO: Yea, dat's a good idea! 

JANE: Um, look, why don't you call back after we listen to them.... 

NENO: No, no, no..hold on, forgetaboutit. I'll just move over to the T.V. set... 

Suddenly, the phone gose silent and the old TV set in the living room turns on and JANE and DARIA see a picture of a close-up of a steel plate. 

NENO: (cont.) Offth...there how's that! 

JANE: THAT'S COOL! 

DARIA: That's creepy like 'Twin... 

JANE: (to DARIA) Don't start referencing again. (to NENO) How do ya DO that?! 

NENO: I don't know. That's what they're trying to find out. Hey, can you see me? What do I look like? 

DARIA: Well, you looks sqaure and sunburnt. 

NENO: (happily) That's the steel box! Inside I'm tanned and handsome. 

JANE: You ARE amazing! 

DARIA: I AM going to faint. 

NENO: Thanks but could you hold the flattery and play the messages. 

JANE: O. K....(JANE prsses a button but nothing happens)..aw, NOW it desides it dosen't want to work! 

NENO: Here. I'll turn it on for you. 

The message machine turns on and plays the messages. 

JANE: Damn! How did you do that? 

NENO: I don't know. 

The first message is heard: it's TRENT: 

TRENT: Jammie, This is Trent. Look, I know you want me inside with the hole, aliens, but I'm stuck here at rehearsal. We're trying to compose a conceptual piece on this hole but we still can't find what alias to hide behind...whatever....'Whatever'...hey, guys I think I've found the name....*beep* 

NENO: Trent...Is he.........? 

JANE: A musician. A VERY different type of alien. 

Second message: it's JAKE. 

JAKE: Hello, Jane. This is Jake Morgandorffer, Daria's dad. Just a quick call to see if Daria's there. Helen and Quinn....make that Helen are worried about her with this hole business. Please call me back when you can. *beep* 

NENO: (interested) 'Morgandorffer'?! Dat sounds promising. 

DARIA: For the loony bin. 

Third message: JANE's Mother 

JANE's MOTHER: Hello my wondering butterfly! I'm calling from the exotic El Monte, CA and I just heard about the comet. Could you get some dirt for around the area? Thanks! I need that special...mystic glow...to mix in the poetry for my holistic ashtray collection. Bye, Sweetie! *beep* 

JANE: Whatever... 

NENO: Don't dismiss it, Jane. You'll never know where these messages will come from. 

Four message: JAKE again 

JAKE: Hello, Jane? Jake Morgandorffer here again. I hope you two didn't fall in the hole...or something, but I really need to talk to the both of you...and Daria, if you're there, come home soon; Quinn is fantasizing about you falling into the hole again and she's trying to turn your room into her extended walk-in closet. Bye! *beep* 

NENO: DIS one sounds intriguing! 

Number five: TRENT again 

TRENT: ....ah, Jammie, Trent...man, we can't even figure out what key to play it in, now.....MUCH later.....*beep* 

Number six: JAKE again. 

JAKE: (disappointed) D'OOooooH!....*beep* 

JANE: Well, that's it. Strange behavior but no aliens. 

NENO: Look, I think you better talk to this Morgandorffer guy. With a funny name like dat, he could be a contact... 

DARIA: (slightly annoyed) ...and what dose that make me? Ming's daughter? 

JANE: (to NENO, slight disbelief) Your kidding..right? 

NENO: Hey! I gotta go. They want me to bend a forklift and melt down Donald Trump's ego. 

JANE: Aw, don't go! 

NENO: Don't worry, Jane. I'll be touch. Hang in dere! 

The shot of the steel box cuts off and, replacing it is a local news programe already in progress in it's place. JANE hangs up the phone and turns to DARIA. 

JANE: *sigh* How dose he do that?! 

DARIA: Scooby.. 

JANE: Stop it! Well, looks like we'll have to trot on over to see your little Morgandorffer. 

DARIA: Are you going to take that rap seriously? My dad may have voices of his dad in his head but NOT of aliens. 

JANE: NORMALLY, I'd agree with you BUT them psyics are usualy 99.999999% right and we're into too deep in that hole to do the funky chicken out of it now. Come on, help get the equipment out of my bedroom and let's roll. 

DARIA: Equipment?.... 

JANE & DARIA: ....Don't ask... 

Both take off for JANE's room and out the house, leaveing the TV on. We now focus on the newscast and it's two ancormen, RAY and HAL. 

HAL: ....and what about that big local story, Ray? 

RAY: Thank you, Harold. As some Chinese philosopher once said, just dig a hole that's deep enough and everyone will want to jump into it. Well, as you know, that big old comet did the digging and now, daredevil Revis Kenevis is going to do the jumping later day, weather and authorities permitting. And, now, here's Pat Hat with the story right in our own backyard. 

Cut to a location near the hole. PAT HAT, a sportsanchor, is standing next to REVIS KENIVIS (wearing a cheap jumpsuit similar to Super Dave's own outfit but cheaper with a Mojo Nixon swagger to him). While PAT introduces REVIS, REVIS waves his hands to his off-camera fans. 

REVIS: (to an off-camera "chick") Hey, honey. You ever heard of me? 

PAT: This is...Pat Hat and I'm hear near the temporary Principle Angela Li Memorial Statue Resting Place with Revis Kenivis. Here, in a few hours, over 210 fine million Americans will turn their 420 million blue-eyes upon this man and it's GOT to be a fake. 

REVIS: This is no fake, Pat! I'm going to fall into the biggest goddamn hole anybody has ever seen. 

PAT: He's referring to, of course, the hole that meny people says that goes straight into the center of the earth. 

REVIS: That's right, Pat. The only other thing that's been down there is that comet and those two dumbshits. 

PAT: Aren't you scared, Revis? 

REVIS: I'm not as scared as you are, Pat. I got the best equipment; I got special trick shoes and a reverse drag shoot. 

PAT: When will you open the parachute? 

REVIS: Well, I may never get to know that, Pat. They say I may fall into the sun in the center of the sun. 

PAT: ...or you could go all the way through and projected and orbit over Katmandu! 

REVIS: That's why I got the parachute. 

PAT: Well, as the great sport scientist, Marv Albert Einstein, once said, 'What comes down, must go up'. 

REVIS: Pat, I'm not down and out. Live or die, I'll make millions! 

PAT: You're insane, Revis!! 

REVIS: I'm not any more insane than the hundreds and thousands of my fans who come here and help me have the biggest goddamn party this stupid piss-ant town has ever seen.... 

PAT: (cutting in, to the camera) Well, I don't want to sanction stupidity as our national sports, still I have to admire this young man's dogged nerve and rubber determination. Yes, it's a small step for this little fellow, but he's taking a big fall for all mankind! This is Pat Hat near the big hole at Principle Li bareial plot, Lawndale. 

LI: (off camera) I heard that!!!! 

Back to the studio and HAL and RAY. 

HAL: It's bound to bring out the kooky and the curious, don't you think, Ray? 

RAY: Well, it has brought a lot of experts and cheap souvenir industry people to the area and that's good for the economy as we all know. 

HAL: Parade coverage will begin in an hour from now and later on tonight... 

Cue the program's closing theme. 

RAY: ...Yes, you'll see MY special report of the tragic flight of Americans of humorous decent as I talk to Jake Morgandorffer, regional Maryland president of the Funny Namers Association. 

HAL: ...a very touching story, I'm sure... 

RAY: Thank you.....This is Ray Hamberger... 

HAL: ...and Harold Hipphuger... 

RAY: ...for the Where It's At Newsteam. Good night! 

SCENE SIX: It's the Morgandoffer's home this time and DARIA and JANE are kneeling underneath the front window. They're spying on the house across the street through the curtain. Jane has a walkie talkie. They crack the two curtains apart and look at the house, in question, exactly across the street...the Guppties residents. There's a lot of cars parked in front of the Guppties house. Both JANE and DARIA are whispering. 

JANE: I JUST don't' believe it! 

DARIA: Neither can I. You actually believe dad? 

JANE: NO! Who would of though that the aliens were already here and living across from your house! Good thing I lend Jake my UFO ring. (pause) I have to admit though, I'm not all THAT surprised to find out that it's the Guppties. I had my bets on the aliens coming by just to drag Upchuck back home. 

DARIA: I had a few on Brittany myself. 

JANE: The perky factor the dead give away, eh? 

DARIA: Yup...physically, that is. No form of plastic surgery can never reach that level of breast fetish. Unless this was an cartoon directed by Russ Meyer. (pause) Jane? 

JANE: Yea? 

DARIA: Why are we whispering? We're across the street....and in my house. 

JANE: Oh. 

JANE goes to her regular voice at regular volume as does DARIA. JANE then whips out a walkie talkie and talks into it. 

JANE: (to the w. t.) Calling Land Mass Number One, Number One, This is Land Mass Number Two. Come in please. What's your position. please? 

The voice on the other end of the w. t. set, or 'land mass #1, happens to be the voice of JAKE. 

JANE: Ummm, I'm crawling! 

DARIA: (to JAKE) Where ARE you, dad!? 

Cut to the side of the Guppties house. It's JAKE in his fatigues (similar to DeMARTINO's, but more cleaner). His crawling on his hands and knees carefully along side the house. He's whispering into his w. t.., it's a head set variety. 

JAKE: Sorry, honey. I'm making my way along side the Guppties residents and I'm....about to reach the back yard. 

JANE: Good. Keep us informed as you go along. 

JAKE: Check, land mass two. 

Back to JANE and DARIA. 

JANE: (a bit unusually giddy...even for herself) The suspense is GETTING to me! What will they be talking about? What plans for the future of mankind?! Will it be brotherhood? Destruction? Mind Expansion? The car keys off this rotting planet? 

DARIA: An elaborate plan to kidnap a consultant for their universe public relations program. 

JANE gives DARIA the evil eye of her own. 

JANE: You writers fail to grasp non-sequitur aspects of everyday occurrences. 

DARIA: It saves on the brain power and the aspirin bill. 

Back at the Gupptie house, JAKE is making his way around the corner into the back yard and carefully neals next to the large glassdoors. JAKE discribes what he sees to JAKE and DARIA through the talkie. 

JAKE: Land mass two! I made it to the kitchen. Now the kitchen and the living room are all one big room so I should have a good view. 

JAKE leans sideways and takes that peek. As soon as he sees what's inside, he immediately turns back around and hugs the wall. He's frightened and speaks through clinched teeth. 

JAKE: (cont.) Land mass two!!...oh freaking GOD, Jane!!! 

JANE: What land mass one?! What do you see? Any color, shape out of the ordinary?!?! 

JAKE: More or less...they're naked! Freakin' neaked!! 

Back to JANE and DARIA. They look at each other in...bewilderment and slight disappointment. 

DARIA: Great. Hyper intelligence beings fly across the planet for universal truth and they end up shooting porn. 

JANE: and The Great Kazzo keeping score on the old Banging Board. 

JAKE: JANE! DON'T say THAT in front of my daughter!!! 

DARIA: Easy, dad. It's more a question of intelligence and sexual drive canceling out each other. 

Back to a petrified JAKE. 

JAKE: (frantic) What does car engines have to do with, Daria?! They're neaked! Neaked! Neaked! Damn It! Pull that finger out of your brain and smell the rug burn and... 

Suddenly, MR. GUPPTIE pops out of nowhere standing next to JAKE with a smile, a blue smoky drink, dress shoes and nothing freaking else! (Readers note: It will be up to YOU to figure out a way to cover the naughty bits from this point on, ya pervers) 

MR. GUPPTIE: (cheerfully) Well, hello, Jake!.... 

This sudden welcoming scares JAKE up and hugging the wall behind him. 

JAKE: (very loud and high pitched) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 

MR. GUPPTIE: (still cheery and oblivious to JAKE's loud reaction) What are you doing here? 

JAKE: (tries to compose himself...terribly) Ah, well. I was....just looking for that soccer ball Daria was playing..ya know she took one big kick and it landed right here. Ya know kids and their darned hide legs... 

MR. GUPPTIE: Well, I guess you're finally coming in to our little party, eh? 

JAKE: Oh, I'm afraid not....Helen is back at the ranch waiting for me.... 

MR. GUPPTIE: Helen? She's already inside cooking up a storm with (Mrs. Gupptie) Come on in! 

MR. GUPPTIE takes JAKE by his arm and pulls him into the house. It is crowded with naked adults, all cheerfully talking and drinking their glasses of steamy blue drink. JAKE stands WAY out but nobody really cares. 

MR. GUPPTIE: (to everybody inside) Hey, look who's here, everybody!! (he makes the rounds to introduce JAKE to some of the guests, to JAKE) Jake, this is Mr. Straight from New York. And I like you to meet the Occupants from Baltimore and I guess you probably know everybody else. OH, UT, Jake. I want you to meet The Humpheads...this is Dagwitch and Dagmar. 

JAKE nervously shakes The Humpheads hands. 

JAKE: (nervously) Oh, hey, you must be funny namers. So am I. 

MR. GUPPTIE: (to everyone, again) Hey, everybody! (points to JAKE) Come on! This is Jake Morgandorffer! The best darned consultant in this side of Lawndale! 

JAKE: (sweating bullets) Oh, hi, everybody. 

MR. GUPPTIE turns to his wife and gets something from her 

MR. GUPPTIE: (to MRS. G) Honey, could you give me one of those bluies. (to JAKE with a glass of blue drink in his hand) Hey, Jake, you must be poarched as a camel. (hands the drink to JAKE) Here, have a nice blue moss! 

JAKE: No thanks. If you got a Bear Whiz Beer in the fridge.... 

MR. GUPPTIE: (playfully) Aw, no, Jake. Come On. 

MRS. G: (ditto) Oh, come on, Jake! Everyone is having one. I've been whipping them up all afternoon. 

JAKE: I just don't want to turn blue. 

MR. GUPPTIE: Ah, don't worry, Jake. Drink it up. Everybody is going to the hole together. 

By this time, MR. GUPPTIE forces the glass in JAKE's hand and JAKE gets intimated by the friendly yet persistent persuasion and drinks the concoction. 

MR. GUPPTIE: (cont.) That's it. Drink it up. (joyfully to everybody) Look everybody, he's drinking! He's been mossed! 

JAKE dose NOT fell very good and become intoxicated. 

JAKE: (slurry, to DARIA) Jesus, Daria, this terrible stuff, Daria. No, wait a minute, I got to get off, honey, I got to get off... 

MR. GUPPTIE: (quickly to JAKE) Who ya talking to there, Jake. (back to the party) Come on, everybody, let's practice our song before we get to the hole. 

MR. GUPPTIE heads everybody in to some VERY incoherent off-rhythm gibberish; using pots, pans and utensils as percussion. JAKE barely manages to get away from the crowd but is wondering towards the den where there's a sea of clothes all over the floor. 

JAKE: (cont., now getting very drowsy) I got to get off. Jane. Daria. There's a bunch of clothes in here...I didn't know they raised clothes?! Daria! Everybodys turning blue. The building is shaking....Daria....Jane.... 

Back to DARIA and JANE who are now hanging on to every word of JAKE's. 

JANE: Oh my God! He's being alienated!! 

JAKE: (cont.) I better lay down here on this...moss.....help?...mommie? 

The talkie on JAKE's end goes dead. Suddenly, there's a loud noise. JANE and DARIA open the curtains and notice a tow truck (complete with naked driver) has hitched up the house up and processed to pull the entire house down the street leaving a trail of dirt and broken pips. DARIA and JANE are left totally agape. 

DARIA: It just went from X-Files fan fiction to Ed Wood to The Prisoner and, now, cheap Monty Python animation. (angrily to JANE) NOW WHAT, Number Two?! My entire family is in that house and I may never seen them again as they're going naked hairy butt first into oblivion. What about MY family?!?! (she stops and thinks. then calmly) On second thought...how many ways do I thank the? 

JANE: No more cultural cross references. All this is beginning to sound like a desperate episode of The Simpsons. 

DARIA: Deal. 

SCENE SEVEN: It's an hour later. It's the Whereitsat News broadcasting live from the hole. RAY and HAL are there in front of the camera with the parade in the background. They have just got back from a commercial break. 

RAY: We're back. Harold, let's, just for a moment, talk about caves....um, I think I'm still a little frighten of them. 

HAL: Well, you know caves is really only a whole lot inside but...(he hears something in his earpeice)...wait a minute. I'm getting a word that while the next group prepares themselves for what is now been confirmed as the greatest moment in their lives.... 

RAY: Yes...I think that's the Perky Cheerleading Bra Squad sponsored by the Latex Rubber Co., followed by their Little Sister Balloon Squad... 

HAL: ...and while you're describing that MOST interesting parade entry, let's roll that tape from earlier today of Revis' jump into that hole...let's roll that tape... 

Cut to a large jumping platform over the hole with banners and balloons all over it and everywhere else around it. The crowd is large and cheering. REVIS is in his official jumping uniform, complete with helmet. PAT HAT is standing next to him with a megaphone serving as a M. C. As we join them, one of REVIS' assistants has started his shoes by pulling the strings on each shoe like a lawnmower and the sneakers sound like them as well. Sparks and smoke is coming out of them as REVIS makes his approach to the platform. HAL and RAY are talking over much of the action. (Readers note: You folks will have to imagine what HAL and RAY are saying as they pretty much repeat everything PAT and REVIS are saying and doing and I don't the patients to repeat everything twice here-ed.) 

PAT: O. K., ladies and gentlemen! The shoes are on! 

REVIS: (to his assistant) Keep your hands on me, Jack, these suckers are pretty heavy. (to PAT) Get out of the way, Hat! 

PAT HAT (to REVIS, still using the megaphone, taunting him) This is it, Revis! You gotta do it, but I still don't believe ya. You still got to keep your promise, Revis, or die...A CHICKEN! 

REVIS suddenly turns around to PAT, pushes his assistant away and point to PAT. 

REVIS: (to PAT) I AIN'T NO CHICKEN, PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! 

Suddenly, thanks to that quick turn he just did, REVIS loses his footing and falls off the ramp into the hole, ass first. PAT is astonished! 

PAT: Oh, my God! Revis! Revis! Kenivis is in the hole! He's ACTUALLY a daredevil! I don't believe! Keep quite everybody! Revis?! 

REVIS's voice is heard echoing from the hole as the crowd dies down a bit. 

REVIS: (mindlessly jovial) YYEEEEEEEHHHAAA! This is the easiest goddamned money I ever made! Hey, Pat! This thing is only 40 feet deep...and the thing is covered with moss or somethin'. 

PAT: Revis!?! You must be insane!! 

REVIS: (cont.) I got enough doe to get rid of my ex-wives. I'm a FREEEE man. I'm gonna start livin' and drinkin' until I buy myself a golden bladder and start ALL over again!! 

PAT: Hold on Revis! We're getting help to you. The choppers are coming. 

Someone hands PAT a long rope and he throws one end into the hole while still holding on to the other. REVIS continues his joyful celebration until he notices something else... 

REVIS: Wait a minute! There's a golden light down there..it's coming from a golden staircase! Hey, I can smell fresh air down there...and breakfast ...and food. 

PAT: Come on, Revis! I don't believe ya! It's just another one of your publicity stunts. 

PAT moves closer to the edge. Sounds of thunder is now heard from the hole. 

REVIS: (cont.) They're not laughing at me anymore! Check this out, Pat! AAARRRROOO!!!!! Here I come, baby! You heard of me?!?! 

PAT: Revis, don't pull too hard on that rope. I'm a respectible sportscaster! REVIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! 

REVIS pulls hard on the rope and forces PAT to fall off the platform and into the hole. Everybody, including HAL and RAY, respond. The tape is finished and we cut back to the present. 

RAY: Well, as you may know, it was soon after that the rescue efforts were set into motion and when the rescuers decided to stay down there, that's when the rush, or the migration as you may put it, Hal, happened and the officials altered the end of the parade route. 

HAL: Well, whatever there is down there must be magnetic because here comes the last float of the day..the Lawndale Flagpole History Association float depicting a important day in the poles history. 

RAY: Why, yes...it's the hanging of the very first mayor and hanging FROM that flagpole is the Dishonorable Lawndale Mayor William P'Nisnose...and strapped at the base of the pole, depicting the second hanged mayor is the one and only Principle Angela Li. 

A quick shot of the float itself showing P'NISNOSE hanging with a noes around his neck with his arms tied to his back, seriously gasping for air with LI ducked taped to the base with tape over her mouth. Then a quick shot of the float itself making a clean fall into the hole. Back to RAY and HAL. 

HAL: ...and as the voices of Li and P'Nisnose fades off into the hole...TO the center of the earth, down that golden staircase...I guess that, well, leaves just you and me, Ray. 

Now, it's quite and completely deserted with everybody now has gone into the hole. 

RAY: Indeed, Harold. 

HAL: ...and there's two young by-standers...just observing... 

RAY then gets up and walks over to the 'young by-standers' who are sitting near-by, which happens to be DARIA and JANE. We, the readers, break away from the camera's P.O.V. 

RAY: (to DARIA and JANE) Excuse us, ladies? Would you mind holding this microphone? And keep the camera aimed down in that hole? 

Both RAY and HAL preside go to DARIA and JANE and give them their microphones. JANE gets up to greets them. 

DARIA: (caught off guard, mumbling) Ummm? Sure. 

JANE: (eagerly) Hey, guys! Are you going down the hole?? 

RAY: Thank you. 

Both RAY and HAL are oblivious to JANE's questions and talk to each other as they head straight for the hole. 

HAL: You know, Ray. I still think.. 

JANE: (now shouting to RAY and HAL) If you see a Jake Moegandorffer down there, tell him to call Jane Lane and Art Bell....oh, and call Daria before she turns Quinn's room into a reptile cage....and a copy of his Last Will and Testament!!! 

It's no use, RAY and HAL are now gone leaving JANE and DARIA behind in this now deserted town. Only the wind provides any background noise. There's a dramatic pause as DARIA and JANE just standing/siting there looking around and, then, at each other. 

DARIA: You want to roast marshmallows now? 

JANE collapse on her spot next to DARIA on the bench and puts her head on her hands. Then there's a high pitched sound coming from behind them but both hasn't paid any attention to it.......yet. 

JANE: *deep exhausting sigh* NOW, I've seen everything, my dear friend. 

DARIA: Be careful what.... 

Before DARIA can utter the next letter, a light so bright that it cancels everything else out into total blackness shines on them and the hole. Loud noises is also prevalent as well. DARIA and JANE are so startled that both end up laying down, facing up and gripping to dear life the wooden boards below them with hair at it's end and eyes and mouths (with clinched teeth) WIDE open (this would be a good opportunity for some fan fiction illustrations right here!-ed.). The object in question is a super large flying cooked egg...sunny side up with lights and sparks flashing out everywhere. There's a group of alien voices coming out of the ship, all talking at once announcing their arrival. 

ALIENS: Attention earthlings!! This is it!!! Now we reveal ourselves to millions of you!! You will now enter the vortex of universal understanding!! You've been the cruel masters of this enslaved planet for too long and now your collective egos must drink the black moss of intelligent intergalactic vengeance!! Hey, wait a minute!! There's only two guys down there.....Hey, Jane! Hey, Daria! Where did everybody go?? 

JANE manages to get up and address the ALIENS. 

JANE: (yelling over the noise) They just missed you. They all dived into the center of the earth! 

DARIA gets up. 

DARIA: (ditto, to JANE) You keep them talking. I'll go get the camera on them. 

DARIA runs off for the camera. 

ALIENS: Oh well, oh hell! They come and they go! Um, next time we better just stick to nude trailer parks and the offices at World Wide Weekly. Farewell, Jane, for another millennium... 

JANE: (at the top of her lungs) WAIT!!!! 

The egg..err, ship begins to rise. DARIA is seen trying to unlock the camera's position. 

ALIENS: (cont.) ..and then we will all join together for the blessed search of defining truth, harmony and the perfect egg salad sandwich recipe... 

JANE: (ditto, more dramatically) ZAPPA, GROUCHO, DALI, GOYA, ELLINGTON, BRUCE! LORD BUCKLEY!! WAAAAIT!!! 

JANE's arms stretches out for the ALIENS. The ship is making it's slow rise. DARIA is having serious trouble moving the camera. 

ALIENS: (cont.) ..where all is seen as it is and all is well and where everything you know is..... 

Just after the word 'is' is mentioned, the ship disappears as if to pop into thin air. The natural outdoor light and surroundings return to normal. JANE is totally exasperated, with her eyes still wide opened, jaw still on the ground and her arms limp as a dying tree branch. DARIA runs next to her also staring at where the ship was and just as exasperated. JANE feels totally defeated and baries her head in her hands. There's a twinge of drama in the air. 

JANE: (voice braking) So close...so damned close. 

Dramatic pause and/or beat. 

DARIA: So this is it. (pause) This is the end. 

JANE retains her composure, lefts her head and looks at DARIA with a hopeful look on her face and in her voice. 

JANE: ...or is it only the..... 

Both look at each other and read each others thoughts for a moment or two. A dog is heard barking far into the background. Then the drama is trashed. 

DARIA and JANE: (direct yet casual as in their normal selves) ...Na, it's the end. 

DARIA and JANE then turn and walk off the bleachers and head down a empty street together onto the theatrical sunset. Cue Louis Armstrong's 'What A Wonderful World'. Soon after Mr. Armstrong begins singing, BEVIS (still huge) is seen off in the distance running, followed by BUTTHEAD (ditto) with the Unisphere in his hand (a incredibly gigantic metal globe that was used in the 1963/64 World's Fair in New York-ed.). BUTTHEAD then throws and hits BEVIS with the Unisphere with a loud crash. As soon BEVIS hits the ground, BUTTHEAD tries to run away to off the right of the shot. However, BEVIS gets up with the Unispere and throws it at BUTTHEAD, who's now out of shoot. Another loud crash is head and BEVIS runs to the left and out of shot. Then we see the Unisphere flying across the shoot towards BEVIS' direction, followed by another loud crash. JANE and DARIA continues to walk of into the distance uninterrupted by the BIG LITTLE WEINERHEAD's game of dodgeball ahead of them. 

Roll Credits and Da End. 

1/27/M2 10:41 p. m. Don-O 

(c) 2000 Don Fields; DARIA and BEVIS & BUTTHEAD characters: (c) 2000 MTV Networks, Inc.; FIRESIGN THEATRE characters: (c) 1974/1999 The Firesign Theatre. Used without permission. So There! 

Author's Notes: Well, 'taint much to dribble on about on this one other than where and what I ripped this one off from. The source itself happens to be the long out-of-print 1974 comedy LP, 'EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!'; written and performed by The Firesign Theatre on the CBS label. The easiest way to describe the Theatre is they are much like the American counterpart of The Goons and (possibly) Monty Python from the UK. However, The Thaetre is a little more complex than that. Their first few albums, from 1969 to 1972, were complex audio plays rooted in whimsical humor, biting social satire and good old fashioned radio drama and production. Even the titles were mountains unto themselves: 'How Can You Be At Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All', 'Don't Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me The Pliers' (a rip on television), 'In This World, You're On Your Own' and 'I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus' are good examples. 

The 'Wrong' LP is their most accessible (next to their radio show compilation 'Dear Friends') and a good place to warm up to The Theatre, though, as I mentioned before, sadly out-of-print. Some of the Theatre's titles are on CD's but they're very few, far in-between and hard to find; you might have to special order these suckers. Parts of the 'Wrong' can be currently heard on the 2-CD retrospective called 'Shoes For Industry' on the CBS/Legacy label. If you're seriously interested in this particular title I ripped off, drop me a e-line and we'll work out a deal for me to send you a copy on cassette tape. 

Recently, the Theatre reunited and produced (so far) two outstanding titles on the Rhino Records label, 'Give Me Immortality Or Give Me Death' (1998, a rip on the Y2K crap) and 'Boom Dot Bust' (1999, a jab at corrupted local governments). DO check these out! Mondo recommendation! 

'Wrong' wasn't the only Theatre work I "borrowed". The character of the cheerfully corrupted Mayor William C. P'Nisnose was taken from the newest F. T. piece, 'Boom Dot Bust'. I figured a bold character like him would mix well with the more seriously-minded and equally corrupted Li...maybe not THAT well, but it dose make for fine entertainment and, as Negativland says, "Copyright Infringement Is Your Best Entertainment Value!"...which is the base of fan fiction if you really think about it. 

..also be sure to check the Theatre's web address: www.firesigntheatre.com. 

Anything else? Well, I did managed to explore Jane's minor obsession with UFO's and Art Bell...but then, that's me. I might inadvertently suggested something else. Hell, I might of forgotten all about it while I was feverishly typing this crap out. What the hell do I know?! 

Coming soon (or NOT so soon) to the Don-O's Fake Daria Netweb: Part one of this 'Pointless Behavior Trilogy' deal, 'Ho, Ho, Freakin' Ho' and find out more about that statue, what happened at that mall and those angry dwarfs! Now I'm gonna take a break from staring at this cheap-ass computer TV monitor and stare at a more normal one for the new (forth season) Daria episodes. 

Thanks to M. Pollard, C.F. Foremen, M Haas-Klien, Kuri, G. Eichler, S. Lewis Lynn, that Crazed Nutz-O guy and the rest of the Daria fanmofia, Roger Ebert for the 'sperm of my eternal vengence' line PLUS The Molotov Cocktail Hour and Swing Out Sister for the background noise. I'm dedicating this to 'Sweet Dick' Whinington, The Credibility Gap and to Phil Austin, Peter Bergman, David Ossman and Phil Proctor, the members of The Firsign Theatre. 

Don-O donothe13th@yahoo.com 

p.s.: on the spelling of the Guppties name and their first names?.....so I missed them up! SO sue me! It's only fan fiction and we're not gettting paid for it. 

Other fan fic ruined by this author: 'The Sound Of One Band Sucking': a ripped-off Daria/South Park crossover. 'Kind Of Blue': a little more of a moody piece. Be careful! These can be found on the mighty FanFiction.Net (www.fanfiction.net), the mightier Outpost Daria fan fiction vault (www.lawndale.net) and/or a blackmailed Daria fanfic site near you!! 


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